I Just Want To Be a 'Closet' Christian

Yes, that was the plan.

I'm weird and difficult as I am now, and I can't afford to add 'Christian' to that list. People have their own perceptions about Christians. More importantly, if a lot of people find me difficult to get along with now, how much more if they learn that i want to follow Jesus.

How will they react? Will people I know start to stay away from me? Will they think of me having an early midlife crisis? How can I tell my mother that I no longer wish to accompany her to our annual devotion to a particular saint? I maintain my respect for my mother and her beliefs, and I have nothing bad to say against that specific saint and all others for that matter. But recent events have led me to form my own belief system.

I honestly don't know what happened. This desire to follow Jesus came as a huge surprise even to myself. One of my closest friends C even reminded me of how I vehemently hated God for some of the things that happened in my life. Then there I was, she asked a simple a question of how I was and I just blurted, "I want to be a Christian; I want to follow Jesus."

I don't know why I replied that way. I even told her that I don't know if it's going to last. I don't know if the desire is for real, or if it would even last. I-just-don't-know.

I just know that the need to talk about Jesus, and how I feel about it is becoming so great that I have to put everything down in words, or my mind will explode.

So, what does my new stand mean?

Ha ha, I-still-don't-know.

Will I turn holier than thou? Definitely not. Or who knows? Last night, C and I had a quick chat, and she asked how my spiritual life was. My response was--struggling. I couldn't find any other description, but that--struggling. It's quite of a struggle because there's so much about the world that has influenced me in the past thirty-three years. Imagine--that's 33 years worth of life database! Add to that is my self-absorbed notion that I know a lot of things and can handle things given the right information and research. Heck, eight years (high school and college) in the country's state university taught me to value my mind and my independent thinking. I won't even count the fact that my parents instilled in our (my siblings and I) minds the idea that we are intelligent since we were little. So you could just imagine, how hard it is and will be to follow someone called Jesus, and not ask questions.

"Just follow him with all your heart, body, and mind."

And while all these thoughts came running in my head, there's that inner voice that convicts me from doubting the Lord. It's really quite amazing how the jokester (that's what I fondly call God, sometimes) works in mysterious ways because one of the initial things I learned from the Bible was Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not in your own understanding [italics mine]; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight (or direct your paths).

Drat, lean not in your own understanding--His ways are not my ways. My understanding is just limited to a puzzle piece, but God has the whole picture--puzzle solved. So, don't trust in what you think you know. Crazy, right? Yes, if I continue to be stubborn and disobedient of GOD's words.

Becoming a Christian is a struggle because all I know about God and the Bible are basically limited to the CBN cartoon shows "Flying House" and "Superbook" that I watched growing up. I was born and raised Catholic, although I never truly understood it. I somehow just took it in stride, a tradition handed down to me. I wasn't a regular churchgoer since I entered high school, and every time I'd attend church, I only end up hating the priests, especially when they start talking politics instead of teaching the Gospels. Plus, I got sick and just hated God for it. Basically, I'm clueless as to what it means to follow Jesus.

My other close college friend J gave me a copy of the Bible some two or three years ago, but it was only five months ago that I picked it up and truly read it. I'm not finished with it, yet. But I'm liking so far what I've been reading. Either I'm becoming crazy to believe the words in a book, or there is reality in God's promises found in the Bible. It's also quite interesting what prompted J to gave me a copy of the Bible--nothing religious or spiritual, at all, ha ha. I was talking to her about a TV show called "Supernatural" and casually mentioned that I'm interested to read the Book of Revelations because much of the contents in the episodes were inspired from that book in the Bible. I began reading the book, and almost always fell asleep half way through the readings. I just couldn't finish the book. Ha ha--I call myself a reader, and yet I couldn't even be hooked reading the Bible.

But one day, something happened--a fleeting instruction came to me, "Read it like you do the literature you love--find out plots, characters, dilemmas, etc.," and that was my first step, until one event led to another, such as agreeing to come to a bible study group (which normally I would have refused as I'm allergic to meeting new people), and eventually attend Sunday worship services by CCF Cebu (Christ's Commission Fellowship) at the Marriott Hotel (but temporarily in Radisson Blu Hotel's Sta. Maria ballrooms until end of October. Worship services is at 9 AM and 11 AM.

I don't know where this journey will take me. I don't know if it's something I can sustain. All I know is I will remain human. I am sinful. God knows how impatient and hot-tempered I am, especially at work, but I'd like to believe that with God's grace and redemptive love, I can be changed.

Maybe not overnight, but someday soon. A transformed life is possible in Jesus as they say.

A photo by line and tinkered by jam. According to my dgroup (discipleship group) leader, "nothing is an accident," and below is the truth I hold on to: