delivered from pain

the past few days were hard for me. literally, painfully hard. there's a bump in my left armpit and i feel some piercing pain somewhere in the vicinity of my left chest. the bump wasn't a concern as the swelling subsided a bit, but the chest pain was a cause for concern. i knew the pain wasn't heart attack nor heart burn because i've consulted with a cardiologist in the past and she described to me what it will feel like if one suffers from a heart attack. while i can't remember the exact descriptions she gave, what i can recall is that the pain should be at the center of your chest and not on either left or right side (unless my memory was mistaken). i could definitely feel the pain radiating on my left chest. the past 3 days, i would wake up to this kind of pain. i didn't want to go to the doctor because my budget is a bit limited as of the moment, and i don't want to spend it on doctor's fees nor on medicines. i rationalized that when i had this kind of pain before, the doctor just gave me some anti-bacterial pill and a painkiller. i have some anti-bacterial pills and some mefenamic acid at home. i took a couple of them on the second day. i didn't take one on the first day as i was convinced that the pain would just go away and didn't want to go back to my painkiller-popping days. also, i immediately hit on google and did a quick search on what's happening. the closest i could find that resembles the symptoms i'm feeling was something called 'pericarditis.' reading about it, i learned that taking Advil can help ease the pain. so, i kept that in mind in case i run out of mefenamic acid.

when i woke up to the same intense pain the next day (Saturday), i got a bit worried. breathing while not difficult, gets a bit painful. the pain was too intense that all i could do is just call on to God to get me through the day. i tried to control the panic as i didn't want to complicate things and get me bleeding again. (well, my period bleeding had been too heavy the past few days, and panic is one ways to get me bleeding again and make it worse! hit the other blog; my beautiful u for details). i forced myself to get out of bed because the previous day i noticed that the pain ebbs when i'm on an upright position. i can feel some tinge of pain when i'm sitting, but nothing compared to when i'm lying down. when i'm tired of sitting, i try to rest by reclining, but even that was painful. haha, i remembered telling myself to be grateful to the gift of breathing. i told myself to be grateful to the act of breathing itself, as it's really something to feel pain as you breathe. nothing to like. so, i took the last of the mefenamic acid that i have hoping that the pain would subside. i would try to examine if it has subsided by reclining only to feel the shooting pain again.

i figured, i would just be on an upright position all day so i won't feel any pain. i considered going to the doctor, but decided to put it off for another day. sunday came and i woke up with the worst pain on my left chest. i was literally scared as any movement was painful. i couldn't call nor didn't want to call anyone as i didn't want to cause unnecessary worry. i kept convincing myself to get up as i know from the previous day that as soon as i'm on an upright position, the pain will be gone in a few minutes. i wish it were that easy to just get up. but just the act of getting up feels like my left chest would explode. i tried to grab hold of my bed's frame to propel me up, but still it was a challenge because of the pain. so, i told myself to suck it up, get up, no matter the pain i'm feeling. just get up and breathe. haha, breathing itself was painful. but the sooner i do so, the sooner the pain will leave me. so i did. it was excruciating, but at least i managed to get up, and the pain slowly dissipated.

i reheated some food for brunch and considered my options. i thought that this being a 3rd day of the same painful experience, i should probably go see a doctor. but that day being a sunday, am sure the cardiologist that i consulted once did not have clinic. i thought of going to the e.r. and reasoned that i could just use plastic to pay off the fees. but the thought of going to the e.r. and spending money put me off. i only have 1,500 cash in my hand, only 1,000 withdrawable in my ATM and didn't have health insurance. so, i tried to convince myself that this will come to pass. after all, if God wanted me dead, he would have done it. so after eating brunch, i occupied myself by watching the live stream of Christ's Commission Fellowship's Sunday service. i tried reclining while watching, but I can still feel the pain. so went back to just sitting up. praise and worship was truly a blessing. i didn't have anything, except the pain and the lyrics of the songs that said to offer my life and my pain to God just broke me. it's weird. it broke me, but it also encouraged me to keep the faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. it encouraged me to go out of the comfort of my home and go attend sunday service at WAC (word at the center) over at JMALL.

after the service at WAC, i reminded myself to buy Advil so i can have something to drink for the pain. but as i was hungry, i immediately went to the mall's foodcourt to get some bite. however, on my way to the mall i saw a poster indicating that The Jungle Book is showing now.[haha, i am hesitant to spend on doctor consultations, but had no qualms spending on a favorite story of my younger years! my priorities are definitely questionable!] i thought of just eating inside the theater. however, as i was at the ticket counter, i tried to look for my wallet to pull out the 1000 bill that i know i have. after much searching, i came to the conclusion that i left my wallet in my bigger bag. the money that i have with me is just enough for less than a 100-peso dinner and fare for home. so, instead of watching the movie, i headed to the foodcourt as i initially intended. i enjoyed my 79-peso carbonara so much that i didn't notice the time until I heard the mall's closing song. drat, i failed to buy medicine!!!

when i got to tamiya terminal, i got lazy to walk to the pharmacy and just thought that i'll be fine without medicine. nevertheless, when i was at home, i searched my medicine stash hoping that i still have some painkillers. i realized i was out of mefenamic acid. thus, i ended up just taking the antibacterial pill and the paracetamol i found in my stash before i went to bed. but prior to sleeping that night, i called out to God to remove the pain in my chest. i'm scared to sleep because i know i would have to lie down, and it's when I'm lying down that the pain is at its worst. so i prayed earnestly. i prayed like i have never prayed before. i prayed that God gave me rest. i confessed out loud both known and unknown sins and asked for forgiveness. i prayed that his will be done. i prayed to reveal to me the things i have done wrong so i can make things right. at sunday service, i was reminded that God disciplines his children and he spits out those whom he doesn't know (meaning those who doesn't have an intimate relationship with him). the pastor also mentioned something to the effect that the reason you are not receiving miracles in your life is because you haven't been praying enough or putting in time to be intimate with the Lord. so yeah, that night, i spent some time reading the bible, revelations mostly and just asked the lord to have mercy upon me. i didn't want to go to bed scared because of the knowledge that i will feel the pain again in my chest. but more importantly, i didn't want to end up dead and Jesus not knowing about me. haha, so i prayed to make sure I get his attention and at least begin to know me.

in my previous readings and bible studies, i'm given the assurance that God is faithful and full of mercy. that he doesn't give you fear. fear is of the enemy. also, in my prayer that night, i asked God to give me boldness to speak the truth in his name. i am actually hesitant of sharing my experiences with God because i know i'm far from being Christ-like. i have difficulty controlling my temper, i have difficulty getting into fellowship with other believers. things such as those make me realize that I'm not truly obedient to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. these things make me doubt the credibility of my own proclamation of faith. but then again, i'm reminded that GOD doesn't outrightly condemn. yes, he is a just GOD. he will pass judgment on me sometime. but now that i'm still alive, it is definitely not him telling me to stop studying and listening to things of the bible. in fact, his instruction was to meditate on the word day and night and to not let the word depart from one's mouth. so yeah, i'm writing this to show that though I may not have a strong faith (YET), my GOD remains faithful. i may stumble, but my GOD remains faithful. so yeah, while i was scared last night to go to bed, i assured myself that there was nothing to fear for me as God gives rest to those who come to him.

you know what? as soon as i hit the bed, i immediately felt the pain on my left chest. but curiously, the pain didn't bother me at all as i was asleep within minutes and despite the intense mactan heat. i probably slept immediately because i can't recall ever having thought of any negative things while trying to get sleep. there was no 'trying to sleep' as i was asleep in minutes! haha, i know sleep is a minor thing. but trust me, to someone in pain, sleep is a huge comforter. JESUS is indeed a living God and he gave me rest instantly. so yeah, i woke up today intent on cashing in on my life insurance. that way i can have money to pay for doctor's visit and to sustain me through this jobless phase. but guess what? THERE WAS NO PAIN when I woke up. I DIDN'T FEEL ANY PAIN in my chest! I tried rolling on my left side, but there just wasn't any pain.

i don't know what to make of this except that GOD delivers as he promises!

Thank you! All glory and praises I give back to my savior, Jesus Christ!

A Prayer

I first heard of the above titled poem spoken by Ravi Zacharias during a new year church service at Gateway Church. The message was called Raised to Run. If you want to listen to the whole video, you can watch it on YouTube through the link below:

SOURCE: gatewaychurchtv YouTube Channel
A lot of us, at some point in our lives may have gotten to a place where we think there's no way out of the muck we find ourselves. We blame ourselves for whatever failure that came our way. We think we are so horrible and deplorable that no one would even look at us. I don't know about you, but when I heard this poem, I can't help but think of that time when I was in that place; when I believed in that lie. While the whole poem didn't speak entirely of my own feelings, there were parts there that certainly resonates with me. In other parts, I can't help but think that there is someone out there in the world who is feeling the same way as the character in the poem and who thinks that there's no hope, especially for the sinful. The good news, we all are sinners and there's NO SIN BIG ENOUGH that A BIGGER GOD CANNOT OVERCOME. Didn't the Father say in John 3:16 that

"God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Well, we are the world, and HE came for us, sinners and all. Just look at the Father's response at the end of the poem. My prayer is that we crush the lie that there is NO hope for us sinners, but instead believe in the characters of our Father in Heaven. He is good and is full of grace.

I googled the poem that Ravi Zacharias read in the video and below are its powerful words.

A Prayer
Michael Quoist, a French cleric

I have fallen, Lord,
Once more.
I can't go on, I'll never succeed.
I am ashamed, I don't dare look at you.
And yet I struggled, Lord, for I knew you were right near me, bending over me, watching.
But temptation blew like a hurricane,
And instead of looking at you I turned my head away,
I stepped aside
While you stood, silent and sorrowful,
Like the spurned fiancé who sees his loved one carried away by the enemy.
When the wind died down as suddenly as it had arisen,
When the lightning ceased after proudly streaking the darkness,
All of a sudden I found myself alone, ashamed, disgusted, with my sin in my hands.
This sin that I selected the way a customer makes his purchase,
This sin that I have paid for and cannot return, for the shopkeeper is no longer there,
This tasteless sin,
This odorless in,
This sin that sickens me,
That I have wanted but no more,
That I have imagined, sought, played with, fondled, for a long time;
That I Have finally embraced while turning coldly away from you,
My arms outstretched, my eyes and heart irresistibly drawn;
This sin that I have grasped and consumed with gluttony,
It's mine now, but it possesses me as the spiderweb holds captive the fly.
It is mine,
It sticks to me,
It flows in my veins,
It fills my heart.
It has slipped in everywhere, as darkness slips into the forest at dusk
And fills all the patches of light.
I can't get rid of it.
I run from it the way one tries to lose a stray dog, but it catches up with me and bounds joyfully against my legs.
Everyone must notice it.
I'm so ashamed that I feel like crawling to avoid being seen,
I'm ashamed of being seen by my friends,
I'm ashamed of being seen by you, Lord,
For you loved me, and I forgot you.
I forgot you because I was thinking of myself
And one can't think of several persons at once.
One must choose, and I chose.
And your voice,
And your look
And your love hurt me.
They weigh me down
They weigh me down more than my sin.
Lord, don't look at me like that,
For I am naked,
I am down,
Shattered,
With no strength left.
I dare make no more promises,
I can only lie bowed before you.

[The Father's Response]

Come, son, look up.
Isn't it mainly your vanity that is wounded?
If you loved me, you would grieve, but you would trust.
Do you think that there's a limit to God's love?
Do you think that for a moment I stopped loving you?
But you still rely on yourself, son. You must rely on me.
Ask my pardon
And get up quickly.
You see, it's not falling that is the worst,
But staying on the ground.

This poem, I learned, can be found in Ravi Zacharias's book Has Christianity Failed You?too. May you all be encouraged by the Father's response. When you are in a place where you don't want to be, perhaps it's time we change tactic and fully surrender and rely on God, instead. Why not try things HIS way? Why not instead of running away from him, we come to him for help. Who knows you'll find the one thing that's been elusive to you all through your years.

Praise be to God!