quiet time

it's a concept that is as foreign to me as the programming languages i'd like to learn. in all my 33 years, i haven't heard of it. it's only a concept i've heard since i attended d'group meetings during second quarter of this year.
i'm learning that "quiet time" is an essential thing to do by every person who wish to walk with the Lord.
what's a "quiet time"? from my understanding, it is that period in a person's day where he spends his time communing with the Lord. he does not focus on anything, except in being in the presence of the Lord. the person studies God's word by reading the bible. during this time, the person may sing praises to the Lord. it's simply a time where one talks and listens to God.

have i developed my own "quiet time?"

the answer is a shameful, NO.

"quiet time" reminds me of the many occasions a yoga instructor tells participants to let go of all thoughts and just concentrate on one thing: deep breathing. quiet time is kinda like that. you let go of all your worries and other preoccupations and just focus on one thing: the presence of the Lord. when i was doing yoga, letting go of all my thoughts and just focused on my breathing was difficult. the same thing happens to me every time i attempt to do my version of the quiet time. all things just come rushing to my head. i couldn't quieten my mind. somehow, it conjures one image after another to the point of frustration. but eventually, with practice i learned to let go of my thoughts while doing yoga routines. i haven't perfected it, but at least i've shown improvements to the point that sometimes i could lose myself in yoga for more than 180 minutes. that's what i'm hoping to do with my quiet time.

but first things first, i have to really do it. find a specific time in my day and just dedicate those precious moments to the Lord. what's happening right now is simply erratic. i'd think and talk to the Lord almost everywhere; during trike ride, at the shower, at work etc.. i believe the Lord deserves more than that and the enemy will try its best to distract you from doing what's truly pleasing to the Lord. more than the enemy providing distractions, my main enemy is really just my thoughts. it keeps on thinking especially of possibilities. this is something that i have to work hard to let go as well. see, there are some rules that i've made up for myself. OK, not really rules but just liners or sometimes phrases that keeps one going. one of my favorites is "infinite possibilities". hearing these words open up to so many things. so you could understand why "quieting my mind" is something of a challenge for me. the idea of "infinite possibilities" is in some sense goes against the very concept of a "quiet mind", where you are simply at rest, thinking nothing but only the Lord. "Infinite possibilities" encourages the mind to be hopeful for there are countless things that could happen. that there are many alternatives and options available in life. yes, i still believe this but somehow my belief in it is slowly eroding and is replaced with this verse:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5)

However smart i'd like to believe i am or pretend i am, i simply could not "OutTHINK" the Lord. being the sovereign God, He will always have the bigger piece of the puzzle. or more, all the pieces of the puzzle that I will never even have on my own. so yeah, it's probably high time to just let go of all those infinite possibilities and just trust in the Lord that things will work out the way He intended them to begin with.
if that isn't enough, perhaps this reminder could convince my stubborn mind to follow:

Jeremiah 9:23 
This is what the LORD says: 
"Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom
or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches,

in His time

it was only june this year that i attended worship services. unlike the regular church i grew up knowing, the service was different. the whole service lasts an hour and a half. it starts out with worship singing, where 4 to 5 songs are sung to glorify the Lord's name. then, there's a few minutes of announcements about church activities/ministries. after the announcements, the day's speaker (the church's senior pastor or an invitee from another church) comes to the stage to discuss a topic hinged entirely on the Word, and then ends with a closing song. the first time i came to attend, i didn't think i'll make it to the whole service. hearing the songs and looking at the people around me, happily rejoicing in the Lord and singing praises for Him, was just too much for me. i was overwhelmed. i remember that the whole time people around me were singing, i was looking up at the ceiling. i had to. otherwise, my eyes won't stop crying. i don't know why or what i was crying about. i just did. i don't know if i was crying because i felt like a fraud amidst believers. or if i was crying because i want to have whatever they have. or it could be because at that time i felt like the biggest sinner on earth and i have no reason to be there. i honestly don't remember why i was crying. i just did and it made me uncomfortable.
uneasy and uncomfortable.
that's how i felt when i attended my first worship service. i thought i should just walk away and forget about getting to know the Lord. yet, i stayed and i continued to attend Sunday services since then. since june to present, i've only been absent twice (the ironman event and that time i woke up at 12 noon). i attend the service every Sunday because i love what i learn from the pastors. i love how they explain the significance of God's word to people's daily lives. while i still don't have full grips on my emotions, i usually come out renewed and refreshed, and with a new perspective. the week's message helps me get through the whole week.
looking back, i now know where my discomfort came from. it simply came from my lack of knowledge and relationship with the Lord. more than that, i think the discomfort is because of guilt. the guilt stems from the knowledge that the Lord had never forsaken me, He's always been there for me no matter the times in my life, and yet i remain stubborn in following His word. i don't know when i can truly make myself say, "yes, i'm 100% all yours, Lord," but i do know that when He wants me to, He can make it possible.

Romans 9:14-18
14 What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! 
15 For he says to Moses,

“I will have mercy on whom I have mercy,
    and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.”

16 It does not, therefore, depend on human desire or effort, 
but on God’s mercy. 
17 For Scripture says to Pharaoh: “I raised you up for this very purpose, 
that I might display my power in you and
that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.”
18 Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, 
and he hardens whom he wants to harden.

so yeah, as what i said in a previous post, i'm starting to believe in God's grace, and in His time, He will shower me or any one, for that matter, mercy. Isn't that something to look forward to?

bon jovi vs. grace

in high school, i had a seatmate who couldn't get enough of bon jovi. he'd talk about bon jovi and his band. his favorite was richie sambora. i'm only familiar with some of the band's song because of him. since that classmate and i sat together for most of sophomore and junior years, bon jovi songs grew on me. so, even after we graduated high school, i still became a fan of the band. in 2000, the band released their album "crush". the first single released in that album is a song entitled "it's my life".

It's My Life Songwriters: Bon Jovi, Jon; Martin, Max; Sambora, Richard S; This ain't a song for the brokenhearted No silent prayer for the faith departed And I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd You're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud It's my life It's now or never I ain't gonna live forever I just wanna live while I'm alive (It's my life) My heart is like an open highway Like Frankie said, "I did it my way" I just wanna live while I'm alive 'Cause it's my life This is for the ones who stood their ground For Tommy and Gina who never backed down Tomorrow's getting harder, make no mistake Luck ain't even lucky, gotta make your own breaks .... You better stand tall When they're calling you out Don't bend, don't break Baby, don't back down

i graduated from the university in april 2000, this song was released sometime in may of the same year. this song became my rally song especially after i decided not to rush to enter the labor force. well, it took me two years before i could get a job due to personal and health reasons, and probably i was also a bit unlucky and choosy. anyway, my move was quite a surprise and unexpected especially that i was a dedicated and conscientious student, and i studied at a premier university to boot. A UPian with no job was no boost to my confidence. But this song, somehow gave me a lift in spirit. it just wasn't my rally song, but it became a song that guided me through the years to present. i didn't care about what other people say about me or about the life i chose for myself. as the song goes "IT'S MY LIFE". i'll do it MY WAY.
fast forward to so many years, i got a job, had the chance to travel, and mortgaged a house. somehow, these things, although they bring great joy to me, just weren't enough. there's the feeling of emptiness that somehow couldn't be satisfied. i started seeking and looking for answers. one thing led to another, and i found myself reading the bible. one of the few scriptures that struck me are the following:

John 14:6 
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. 
No one comes to the Father except through me."
Matthew 16:24-25 
Then Jesus said to his disciples, 
“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves 
and take up their cross and follow me. 
25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, 
but whoever loses their life for me will find it."

over the past few weeks, i kept hearing the message that following jesus is costly. so, yeah i often wonder if i could do it. definitely, it's hard. the song alone is a big hindrance. i'm used to doing things MY WAY. i'm not even sure if i could let go of this rally song that has helped me for so many years and just relinquish control. yes, i have my doubts - but i also am starting to believe in "grace". by GOD's grace, HE will change my heart and my ways. i am looking forward that it will happen.

a prayer

are you one of those who stash pieces of paper in your coin purse or wallet? well, i'm one of those. normally, i'd keep receipts for a time and then throw them away when the urge to clean house kicks in. i was doing that tonight and i found this june 14, 2012 Dunkin Donuts receipt.

below is a full text of what's written in that receipt.

a birthday incident

i celebrated my 33rd by attending a 2-day wealth summit and money expo over at the waterfront hotel and casino in lahug last august 2. on the way to the expo, while i was inside a cab, i had a little case of dilemma. normally, on my birthday i make it a point to go to church. my birthday is like one certain day in a year that you will find me inside the church worshiping and giving thanks to God. i go there to show my appreciation of how the jokester has been great to me the past year. going to church on this day is a big deal to me as i rarely, hardly ever go to church for reasons that has nothing to do with GOD. i'm just always disappointed every time i sat through the whole mass and hear the celebrating priest talk more about politics and government policies more than preaching the gospel. on this particular day, i didn't know what

transformation - a long ago post

i was internally debating whether i should include a page solely devoted to the jokester (it's what i call my GOD, our Lord, Jesus Christ) to this blog. a loud booming voice echoed that it's probably NOT the best of my ideas. it shouted that people may think of me as a hypocrite - writing about Jesus, proclaiming His name, but is not actually following His commands as they should be followed.

that voice has a point. perhaps. yet every time i think of it, several counterarguments crop up, including the following:

1. the decision to follow Jesus won't exactly translate to a 100% transformation overnight (i know what you're about to say, but just stop right there. don't react yet). however great my resolve to truly become a Christian will always be hindered by my human nature. i am sinful. as a human being, there is always the tendency to follow the world's ways instead of the jokester's. these statements maybe taken by critics and skeptics alike as disclaimers, a sign of not being 100% committed to following Jesus, but i'm hoping that they not be taken as such. rather i'd like them to be seen as efforts to be truly one with the Lord. that yes, with a GOD who showers love, forgiveness, and grace - a 100% reversal of what i am today is possible in HIS TIME and that 100% transformation can indeed happen overnight if only i could summon faith..

2. i've always been vocal about my opinion on things. i've always "prided" myself as someone who can stand up for her beliefs. yes, having this stance and desire is quite unexpected even to myself. so, when confronted with the question "what will people think of you?" more often than not, the answers i'm always given or ideas that always come to my mind are "when have other people's opinion matter to you? this is your belief now - how is this belief different from your other beliefs that you will choose to keep it to yourself and not be bold enough to stand up for it?"

3. i'm not pretending to be holier than thou. what this is (writing about Jesus) is merely a personal account of struggles and testimonies of how the Lord is slowly revealing Himself in my life, and that it's about time to acknowledge HIS presence all those years i was so preoccupied about myself and my pretend intelligence.

it is my prayer that i can have a transformed life soon and that through my own struggles in coming to the light, i'll be able to touch at least one soul to reconsider about knowing JESUS and HIS infinite love for us - that we take it without questions. that we STOP REJECTING HIS LOVE.

HIS LOVE has always been ours for the taking. so, why delay claiming it? after all, IT'S FREE. no strings attached.

P.S. (September 16, 2014) I just saw the post above in my drafts folder and am amazed at the date. I wrote this almost two years ago, and yet I remain having mixed feelings. The desire to know Jesus remains, thank God! but yet I'm far from what I hope I should become. On the other hand, in several D Group sessions, my fellows in Christ told me that they've seen some transformation in me. That I'm no longer a vehement hater of God. Maybe still not Christ-like, but at least they've seen some change. Holy Spirit, is that you? So looking forward to the complete transformation, haha..GOD-willing!

PONDER:

Romans 12:2

2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

I Just Want To Be a 'Closet' Christian

Yes, that was the plan.
I'm weird and difficult as I am now, and I can't afford to add 'Christian' to that list. People have their own perceptions about Christians. More importantly, if a lot of people find me difficult to get along with now, how much more if they learn that i want to follow Jesus.
How will they react? Will people I know start to stay away from me? Will they think of me having an early midlife crisis? How can I tell my mother that I no longer wish to accompany her to our annual devotion to a particular saint? I maintain my respect for my mother and her beliefs, and I have nothing bad to say against that specific saint and all others for that matter. But recent events have led me to form my own belief system.
I honestly don't know what happened.