in His time

it was only june this year that i attended worship services. unlike the regular church i grew up knowing, the service was different. the whole service lasts an hour and a half. it starts out with worship singing, where 4 to 5 songs are sung to glorify the Lord's name. then, there's a few minutes of announcements about church activities/ministries. after the announcements, the day's speaker (the church's senior pastor or an invitee from another church) comes to the stage to discuss a topic hinged entirely on the Word, and then ends with a closing song. the first time i came to attend, i didn't think i'll make it to the whole service. hearing the songs and looking at the people around me, happily rejoicing in the Lord and singing praises for Him, was just too much for me. i was overwhelmed. i remember that the whole time people around me were singing, i was looking up at the ceiling. i had to. otherwise, my eyes won't stop crying. i don't know why or what i was crying about. i just did. i don't know if i was crying because i felt like a fraud amidst believers. or if i was crying because i want to have whatever they have. or it could be because at that time i felt like the biggest sinner on earth and i have no reason to be there. i honestly don't remember why i was crying. i just did and it made me uncomfortable.
uneasy and uncomfortable.
that's how i felt when i attended my first worship service. i thought i should just walk away and forget about getting to know the Lord. yet, i stayed and i continued to attend Sunday services since then. since june to present, i've only been absent twice (the ironman event and that time i woke up at 12 noon). i attend the service every Sunday because i love what i learn from the pastors. i love how they explain the significance of God's word to people's daily lives. while i still don't have full grips on my emotions, i usually come out renewed and refreshed, and with a new perspective. the week's message helps me get through the whole week.
looking back, i now know where my discomfort came from. it simply came from my lack of knowledge and relationship with the Lord. more than that, i think the discomfort is because of guilt. the guilt stems from the knowledge that the Lord had never forsaken me, He's always been there for me no matter the times in my life, and yet i remain stubborn in following His word. i don't know when i can truly make myself say, "yes, i'm 100% all yours, Lord," but i do know that when He wants me to, He can make it possible.

Romans 9:14-18
14 What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! 
15 For he says to Moses,

“I will have mercy on whom I have mercy,
    and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.”

16 It does not, therefore, depend on human desire or effort, 
but on God’s mercy. 
17 For Scripture says to Pharaoh: “I raised you up for this very purpose, 
that I might display my power in you and
that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.”
18 Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, 
and he hardens whom he wants to harden.

so yeah, as what i said in a previous post, i'm starting to believe in God's grace, and in His time, He will shower me or any one, for that matter, mercy. Isn't that something to look forward to?